Your Kid is So Not That Cute.

Let me begin this by stating I have two children of my own and they are grown adults and currently I dislike one and the other is doing OK in my book. Yes, you heard me right. I actually dislike one of my kids. Yup. Long story - boring ending but in a round about way the point of this blog. You see ... I actually see my kids with OPEN eyes and do not see them as the Second Coming and admit they have faults and rotten behavior or suck in general. This is directed to all of the parents out there who have children who are in need of a good old fashioned spanking - and quite frankly, the parents could use one too.



A friend of mine posted this on his Facebook status yesterday, "katsup covered crabby kids on an oversold flight, yay" and this got me thinking. How many times have we all been in this dreaded situation? Not necessarily the oversold flight or even the crabby kid part but the warning words to me were "katsup" covered. Being around pint sized terrorists who won't even allow dear old mom and/or dad to clean off their faces because they are going to throw such a fit that would leave even the hardest of Marine drill instructors quaking in their boots. That situation. The rotten-overindulged-child runs the house and knows it situation.



I have had it with these kids and their parents. I am tired of going to public places and having my time ruined by them. No, I do not want to play peek-a-boo with your kid while trying on clothing in the stores. Not in the fitting rooms when a head snakes under the door nor having the little shits pop out from the clothing racks. I am glad you are shopping in peace while the sales clerks are following your mini-tornadoes and my fellow shoppers and I are your free nannies but get a clue. Your kid is not cute and you are an asshole parent. Hire a sitter if you want to shop in peace and if that is not possible, guess what ... keep your little darling next to you and if he runs off - BRING HIM BACK TO YOU! You obviously know this is going on or else you would be calling store security faster than I can say Amber Alert unless you too want to lose the little shit for good.



And circling back to the catsup (sorry - can't take my friend's spelling of it any longer.) Must you bring your children to restaurants if you know they have no table manners or ability to sit for any longer than the average housefly? I have no problem with kids in restaurants when they know how to BEHAVE but let's face it ... they are few and far between these days. Does my nice meal out really need to be interrupted when your kid is running in circles all through the restaurant shrieking at high decibels throwing kid menu confetti like it is a parade in her honor? I think not. When she roams table to table looking at people's food, trust me it is not cute, it is creepy and rude. When the restroom has been utterly trashed because Princess was bored and went in unaccompanied by and adult it is definitely not cute. Playing the game of "how many paper towels will stuff up the toilet?" is not only not funny but more than an inconvenience to the rest of the customers and more than likely extremely costly to restaurant owner who now gets to pay the plumber's bill. Oh ... and how could I forget the little darling's other fun game of when finally being forced to the table to eat - "how big of a disgusting mess can I make around me?" Chicken strips and fries go flying and mom's beg the kid to eat. Fun stuff. Usually by that point I think she should be duct taped to the chair with a napkin stuffed in her mouth until it is time to leave with a hundred percent gratuity added to your server's check for mental anguish. I also think you should buy the other restaurant patrons a round of drinks.

And then there are the parents who skip the whole restaurant scene and think it is just fine to bring the kids to bars! Yup ... the last place where it should be fine to hide from unrestrained little shitheads is no longer safe. Just a couple of weeks ago I was sitting with a friend smoking and drinking and having a very heated debate (read - dropping the f-bomb every other word) in a bar when some asshole dad approaches us and tells us to watch our language because his kids are "parroting" our language. Are you fucking kidding me? Why in the hell did you bring your kid to a bar for dinner? Are you going to bitch about our smoking and ban the Jager shots next? Should the bar start printing a list of virgin drinks and call it the Kiddie Bar Drink List? Instead of Ladies Night should we start having Jammies Nights - bring your own sippie cup? Unfortunately my friend and I were too polite and said we'd try to keep it down instead of just saying "Fuck you buddy."

And who in the hell invented the mini-shopping cart? Just what inattentive parents need is to give the little beasts their own carts so they can go in their own directions! Great fucking idea.
Dad can be off in the dairy department while Jr. can be off on the candy aisle making his own purchases. Can't wait to be at the register for that happy ending. But seriously. Thanks for letting Jr. have the cart so he can now ram that one into my legs and over my feet all on his own at such an early age. I guess it can be considered training for later in life.



But I think some of the worst examples of these kids have come from actual people I know. I would not call them close friends but more acquaintances I run into at social functions and the thing that makes me laugh the hardest is when they claim to be such strict parents. If only you knew how hard it is for me to contain my laughter. One gal tells of how strict she is and her daughter is known for pulling adults hair and telling them to their faces she does not like them. Yup. Pretty strict. Another gal is Miss Manners when it comes to her son and he spits on adults and then giggles. Cute. A different mom has a slapper. The stories go on and on. I think the only thing they might be strict with these kids about is they have to wear clothing in public. I kid you not. Baths get negotiated, meals get negotiated, even school. Are you shitting me. When I was a kid (yes ... I just said the dreaded phrase) school was never an option! You went. Period. Being sick meant a fever and usually a doctor's visit. It certainly did not mean telling your parents you were not going because you didn't feel like it. I have to tell you - the one time my daughter faked coming home from school sick and I had to leave work ... I made her day a nightmare. She was in bed, no TV, no Barbies, no nothing. I told her if she was sick she needed her rest and to sleep. That game never happened again. She tried it one more time with her dad when I was out of town and he made her go to work with him and sleep on the couch in his office. GAME OVER KID! Parents 2, Kid 0.

I think it is time for us to take back the land. Kind of a tea party of sorts against the rotten kids of the world. The next time some kid is running around in a store, trip her. Let her go running back to mommy. When she points her finger at you - deny, deny, deny. Tell dear mommy she fell and if mommy had been watching her she could have seen it for herself. Complain to a restaurant manager, over and over and over again. You never know - they might get asked to leave and if not ... they might get asked to never return. It does happen you know. If you have a friend who has a kid who pulls your hair - pull their's right back. Is it juvenile? Yup, but the kid might just learn it hurts and stop. And you know what else? The next time you see a kid that is really behaving WELL in public - make sure to tell him and his parents. That one compliment makes all of the nagging worth it. Their smiles will prove it.