OK, I willing admit I am a reality TV addict. But not just any reality TV, I love the trashy, junky, eat your brain reality TV. None of this "Biggest Loser" feel good stuff for me. I don't want to cry tears of joy because some diabetic on the verge of losing his feet took off two hundred pounds and gained a fiancee. I want to watch a bunch of total morons who have chosen to splash their pathetic lives on the small screen each week just for my entertainment value. Would you like to know why? Because these fools make me feel really really good about myself. Let's do a little channel surfing, shall we ...
Rock of Love Bus or Chlamydia on Tour on VH1. Bret Michaels former Poison frontman has not managed to find love on two previous seasons of Rock of Love so what better to do than pack up two busses of skanks and go on tour?!? My feel good points from this show. 1. I may be a drunk but I am not an alcoholic whore giving blowjobs on a tourbus. 2. I might not have made millions in my life but then again I am not trying to restart my career on VH1 screwing disease ridden sluts. 3. I have learned a lot of fashion "don't" tips from these so called "ladies."
Any of the Real Housewives of franchise on Bravo. Orange County is my favorite however New York is the current running season. The gist of these gals is how rough life can be when you have money. Oh yeah cupcakes, it really sucks the big one toughing it out in the Hamptons for the summer. Those Botox sessions can be so messy. Spending those couple of hours a week with your kids can be so tough. Keep working out with the trainer on the arm muscles for that backstabbing. Happy points after watching these bitches. 1. 99% of my friends are tried and true. 2. I am glad I do not have a Bronx accent. 3. I like living the life of a beach girl.
Keeping Up With the Kardashians on E! This family could not be more fucked up if they tried yet are so addictive it is frightening. Mom pimps her three eldest daughters out as much as possible, the two youngest are whores-in-training, the son is useless and good old Bruce Jenner just sits back and watches everything happen with his bad plastic surgeried face not moving. Seriously, when your eight year old has the moves down on the stripper pole in your bedroom and it airs on television you are one study for psychology classes for years to come. And let's not forget when Kim posed for Playboy and did not want to go nude and good mom Kris made her. Ah ... what a "momager." I also so look forward to Brody Jenner's cameo appearances as the good big brother who watches porn while babysitting. Why I like my life points. 1. Neither of my kids has been in a porno, gone to jail for probation violation or posed for Playboy. 2. My husband does not have a face like Bruce Jenner's. 3. No one in my family has ever defended O.J. Simpson for murder.
High School Reunion on TVLand. This one is a freaking hoot and I highly doubt my upcoming reunion in June will resemble this show. First it takes place in Hawaii over the course of a couple of weeks. Secondly, only a dozen or so people attend. And finally they find the people who all have some sort of unresolved issues with each other. The divorced couple. The mean girl and the girl she picked on. The band geek who turned out hot. You get the idea. I don't know where they find these people but when I say they have issues I mean ISSUES! Last week Liz the "misfit" dropped about three seconds of f-bombs on Jenny the "mean girl cheerleader" due to twenty years of pent up rage. Get over it girl ... it was fucking high school. I guess we know who goes postal after all. Keep an eye on this woman. But supposedly they made up after an overnight "detention" and all is well. You bet. Uh huh. Aly happy points. 1. Facebook has become a reunion of sorts and it is fun. 2. I am glad I am not carrying around 20 years of anger from high school. I like being a dumb and happy adult.
I have only hit on a few of the shows I watch. I am a terrible insomniac and with the love of DVR and reruns my addiction runs rampant but I think you get the gist. While others may call reality television brain rot I consider it personal prozac. That there are such foolish people out there that feel the need open up every aspect of their pathetic lives for the world to see makes me happy. I am not a loser for watching them, they are the losers for opening their doors, mouths, suitcases and in the case of Rock of Love Bus - legs for all to see ... and I love it! Thanks for being such fuckups. You make me happy I am me.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
It's Florida ... it's Spring Break... it sucks.
As a resident of this great state I understand the need for tourism dollars more than anyone but it does not mean I have to like it. Another year of terrorists have descended upon us for Spring Break to fuck up our traffic, take up our regular bar stools, treat us like we OWE them something and just basically screw our daily lives in general.
Welcome to my day. I have to first wake up to an alarm rather than whenever the hell I feel like it due to the fact I have an errand further down the beach which would normally take 10 minutes is now going to take an hour for the whole 6 mile round trip. Swell. Next ... lucky girl I am, have to go off-island and not even in-town. I actually have to hit the nearby outlet mall as I cannot force my tennis shoes to work another week before the duct tape comes out and while I have exceeding low standards, I at least have some. So hurdle number one. Let's try and share the lane in the parking lot. It's not as easy and it sounds. No really - you just take up the whole row sir before you take up the whole spot before I can move my car forward, I understand it is your out-of-state dollars driving our state economy in ONE WEEK while the rest of us live here year round. Please, be my guest. By the way, do you drive that well in Alabama the other 51 weeks of the year?
Next Game. Play "Dodge your snotty nosed brats running around the shoe store while you are trying to stuff your foot into EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SHOE ON CLEARANCE!" Please, I am trying to pay full price for my New Balance cross trainers even though I am at an outlet mall. But again, your six dollars minus the coupon you picked up from the lady at the kiosk in the center of the mall will really rev-up Lee County's bottom line this week. I just want to be out of the store before you tell your toddler son he may not have the pretty pink plaid purse he has been toting around and spilling juice on during my time in the store. Oh - and to add insult to injury, the coupon specifically states "No New Balance" - I know this from past experience.
Next Stop. Trying to dodge the disgruntled women at Bath and Body Works who are extremely dismayed to find the story "really isn't an outlet store." Bummer. Then get the fuck out and stop harassing the sales clerks, let me buy my plug-in thingies and candles and go. Now I am just getting pissed off by people who aren't even contributing to the local economy but who are just fucking stupid.
Final stop - thank God - because this is the one that might have pushed me over the edge if I had any more stops to make. I stopped in at the coffee shop to get an iced tea or a virgin Ice Pick (no vodka!) I have the big bag with the shoes, a heavy bag with candles and my purse which could almost pass for checked luggage. As I am walking out these two fuckwits are behind me with EMPTY FUCKING HANDS and do not try to help with the door and as I have leaned my ass on the door to open for myself they fucking walked through and Mr. Sensitive in his New York accent says "Thanks Babe." Fucking terrorists.
So, I get in my car absolutely seething. Light a smoke. Crank up the stereo and prepare for the drive back to the beach. Traffic sucked. Took an hour to go less than five miles. And my only other comment on traffic - why must kids feel the need to share their fucking rap music with me(or anyone else for that matter) when sitting in traffic? And why do I now sound like my mother when I say this? All I know is ... I do shock the shit out of them when I crank my tunes right back up with Kid Rock, The Ramones, Iggy Pop or something else of the sort you would never expect from a housewife in a Volvo SUV.
Aly's contribution to the local economy today: $275 and some change
Aly's aggrivation: do you seriously think I count that high?
Happy Weekend.
Welcome to my day. I have to first wake up to an alarm rather than whenever the hell I feel like it due to the fact I have an errand further down the beach which would normally take 10 minutes is now going to take an hour for the whole 6 mile round trip. Swell. Next ... lucky girl I am, have to go off-island and not even in-town. I actually have to hit the nearby outlet mall as I cannot force my tennis shoes to work another week before the duct tape comes out and while I have exceeding low standards, I at least have some. So hurdle number one. Let's try and share the lane in the parking lot. It's not as easy and it sounds. No really - you just take up the whole row sir before you take up the whole spot before I can move my car forward, I understand it is your out-of-state dollars driving our state economy in ONE WEEK while the rest of us live here year round. Please, be my guest. By the way, do you drive that well in Alabama the other 51 weeks of the year?
Next Game. Play "Dodge your snotty nosed brats running around the shoe store while you are trying to stuff your foot into EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SHOE ON CLEARANCE!" Please, I am trying to pay full price for my New Balance cross trainers even though I am at an outlet mall. But again, your six dollars minus the coupon you picked up from the lady at the kiosk in the center of the mall will really rev-up Lee County's bottom line this week. I just want to be out of the store before you tell your toddler son he may not have the pretty pink plaid purse he has been toting around and spilling juice on during my time in the store. Oh - and to add insult to injury, the coupon specifically states "No New Balance" - I know this from past experience.
Next Stop. Trying to dodge the disgruntled women at Bath and Body Works who are extremely dismayed to find the story "really isn't an outlet store." Bummer. Then get the fuck out and stop harassing the sales clerks, let me buy my plug-in thingies and candles and go. Now I am just getting pissed off by people who aren't even contributing to the local economy but who are just fucking stupid.
Final stop - thank God - because this is the one that might have pushed me over the edge if I had any more stops to make. I stopped in at the coffee shop to get an iced tea or a virgin Ice Pick (no vodka!) I have the big bag with the shoes, a heavy bag with candles and my purse which could almost pass for checked luggage. As I am walking out these two fuckwits are behind me with EMPTY FUCKING HANDS and do not try to help with the door and as I have leaned my ass on the door to open for myself they fucking walked through and Mr. Sensitive in his New York accent says "Thanks Babe." Fucking terrorists.
So, I get in my car absolutely seething. Light a smoke. Crank up the stereo and prepare for the drive back to the beach. Traffic sucked. Took an hour to go less than five miles. And my only other comment on traffic - why must kids feel the need to share their fucking rap music with me(or anyone else for that matter) when sitting in traffic? And why do I now sound like my mother when I say this? All I know is ... I do shock the shit out of them when I crank my tunes right back up with Kid Rock, The Ramones, Iggy Pop or something else of the sort you would never expect from a housewife in a Volvo SUV.
Aly's contribution to the local economy today: $275 and some change
Aly's aggrivation: do you seriously think I count that high?
Happy Weekend.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Welcome to my first blog.
So I guess I have finally committed myself to something other than drinking on a regular basis. Well, I guess I am more committed to more things than that if I think about it. I have been married to the same guy for almost 16 years. I do manage to take the dog out on a regular basis. I have been growing out a heinous haircut for almost 20 months. Hell. That alone could have gotten me through nine months of pregnancy and still have almost a year old kid. Shit, shoot me!!!! No - how in the hell did I get so far off track from my original thought? Oh, because I'm me. So back to commitment. I have been toying with the idea of a blog for awhile. My friend Chase was the first one to give me the courage to go public. Then some other friends have been pushing me so here goes. My goal is to try to write daily but let's face facts. Some days I am just to drunk to sit at a keyboard and type letters that come out in order. Other days I am just too fucking lazy. I have zero plans for what I am going to write other than what the title of the blog spells out ... random thoughts of a useless housewife.
I am going to let you in on a little bit about me. I come across as pretty flighty but in all actuality I am not that dumb - in fact I am fairly intelligent. My goal is to write funny shit - as I would rather be entertaining but since these are MY random thoughts I might one day have a rant about how my husband has pissed me off, which will still probably be funny, but I am just saying there might be something serious once in a blue moon. I plan to leave politics off the table unless I am so angry that unless I need to pound the letters because there is not enough Absolut, Camel Turkish Silvers and Mommy's Little Helper's to keep me from taking a ten story dive!!! I have a feeling you will be hearing a lot about reality TV, stupid terrorists - excuse me tourists - here in FL, bad blue haired drivers, rotten restaurant customers at the restaurant where I hang out and sometimes work, my family (of course) and just what it's like to be me in general. Trust me, being me is a very complicated and confusing process, I sincerely would not recommend it. Now being my dog is a whole other story. If I were you - I would be sending your resume now to be my dog. In fact D - O - G is a dirty word in our house. Gabby is a Princess and you had better remember that dammit. She rules the house with an iron paw and we just borrow space from her thankyouverymuch.
Going to sign off for now, have a riveting date with the AM paper, a Coke, my smokes, an ER rerun, the KU game and Icepicks (Absolut Citron and iced tea - the drink of all women who hide daydrinking well) at the beach. Let me know what you think. Like I really care.
I am going to let you in on a little bit about me. I come across as pretty flighty but in all actuality I am not that dumb - in fact I am fairly intelligent. My goal is to write funny shit - as I would rather be entertaining but since these are MY random thoughts I might one day have a rant about how my husband has pissed me off, which will still probably be funny, but I am just saying there might be something serious once in a blue moon. I plan to leave politics off the table unless I am so angry that unless I need to pound the letters because there is not enough Absolut, Camel Turkish Silvers and Mommy's Little Helper's to keep me from taking a ten story dive!!! I have a feeling you will be hearing a lot about reality TV, stupid terrorists - excuse me tourists - here in FL, bad blue haired drivers, rotten restaurant customers at the restaurant where I hang out and sometimes work, my family (of course) and just what it's like to be me in general. Trust me, being me is a very complicated and confusing process, I sincerely would not recommend it. Now being my dog is a whole other story. If I were you - I would be sending your resume now to be my dog. In fact D - O - G is a dirty word in our house. Gabby is a Princess and you had better remember that dammit. She rules the house with an iron paw and we just borrow space from her thankyouverymuch.
Going to sign off for now, have a riveting date with the AM paper, a Coke, my smokes, an ER rerun, the KU game and Icepicks (Absolut Citron and iced tea - the drink of all women who hide daydrinking well) at the beach. Let me know what you think. Like I really care.
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