Who Am I Kidding

I doubt I am ever going to get this writing daily thing down pat. Hell, I am really only doing it for myself so I am really only failing me and I can't lie, not plunking down the inner thoughts of my brain in not the highest priority on my list. However lately I have had a lot on my mind. I really want to go back to school to go into nursing, not just any nursing but hospice nursing. Over the course of my life I have spent a fair amount of time with cancer stricken relatives at the end of their days and have felt blessed to be able to be with them, to help them live their final days without suffering - not just to help them die and to be a comfort for my other family members.

I have always wanted to "do something" with my life. When I first went away to school I was set on a political science degree to be followed up with the letters J.D. behind my name a few years later and a career in international law. Clerical error sent those plans and a full ride scholarship up in smoke. I took the easy way out and went on doing what I knew best ... foodservice and a Restaurant Management degree. As usual, I excelled in school, winning a prestigious educational award from the biggest industry trade group, leading the school's club to successful auctions and fundraisers, A average with three jobs but I.Fell.In.Love. Not to say I wouldn't do the same thing again as I am still married to my spouse but would I have thought about some of the job offers after graduating? HELL YES! Instead I went back for a bachelor's degree in education because I had always thought about teaching and wanting to "make a difference." My in-laws agreed to pay my tuition because they did not want their son to have an "uneducated" wife. I guess the Associates Degree was worth nothing? I got most of the way through but unfortunately our advisors told us if we wanted to be English teachers in our town at that point in time we had two choices, 1. head to the inner city (not an option for a young 20, white, blond girl) or 2. get a job at Walmart. So my husband and I spoke and I changed my major to business and would continue working for our business.

Beware any free gift! As soon as I had diploma in hand my mother-in-law immediately began harassing me about getting a job outside of our business. Apparently I sold my soul for a piece of paper. I threw the fucker away. It was bad enough knowing I earned it and could not return it. (Just last year, almost a decade after she died my husband returned it to me, bless him for dumpster diving - literally - but I still cannot stand the sight of it.) I ended up going to work for a Monster Wall Street Corporation until some family problems on my husband's side came to be and I was the only one was "dispensible" and became available. Poetic justice is not sweet, fun or kind. It is sad and it sucks.

Long story boring ending, I ended up having some very serious health issues as well but have been in remission for the past year and don't think there is any chance of any more real problems as long as I stick to the diet and health regime I am currently following so it is my time to finally get that real diploma that belongs to me, that I can proudly display, that I can share with the world by "doing something." I like to joke I am cranky and hate the world but in all honesty, I live with all of my heart and love with all of my heart and just cannot wait to give with all of my heart.

Following are the lyrics to a Lady Antebellum song called "I Was Here," this is how I want to live my life.

You will notice me
I’ll be leaving my mark
Like initials carved in an old oak tree
You wait and see

Maybe I’ll write like Twain wrote
Maybe I’ll paint like Van Gogh
Cure the common cold… I don’t know
But I’m ready to start ‘cause I know in my heart

Chorus:
I wanna do something that matters
Say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
Wanna do something better
With the time I’ve been given
I wanna try
To touch a few hearts in this life
And leave nothing less than something that says
I was here

I will prove you wrong
If you think I’m all talk
You’re in for a shock ‘cause this dreams too strong
Before too long

Maybe I’ll compose symphonies
Maybe I’ll fight for world peace
‘Cause I know it’s my destiny
to leave more than a trace of myself in this place