sad

it's the saturday before my fortieth. i am sitting on my bed with my dog. my husband is drunk. it is 6:30 p.m. going out to dinner would have been nice.

Who Am I Kidding

I doubt I am ever going to get this writing daily thing down pat. Hell, I am really only doing it for myself so I am really only failing me and I can't lie, not plunking down the inner thoughts of my brain in not the highest priority on my list. However lately I have had a lot on my mind. I really want to go back to school to go into nursing, not just any nursing but hospice nursing. Over the course of my life I have spent a fair amount of time with cancer stricken relatives at the end of their days and have felt blessed to be able to be with them, to help them live their final days without suffering - not just to help them die and to be a comfort for my other family members.

I have always wanted to "do something" with my life. When I first went away to school I was set on a political science degree to be followed up with the letters J.D. behind my name a few years later and a career in international law. Clerical error sent those plans and a full ride scholarship up in smoke. I took the easy way out and went on doing what I knew best ... foodservice and a Restaurant Management degree. As usual, I excelled in school, winning a prestigious educational award from the biggest industry trade group, leading the school's club to successful auctions and fundraisers, A average with three jobs but I.Fell.In.Love. Not to say I wouldn't do the same thing again as I am still married to my spouse but would I have thought about some of the job offers after graduating? HELL YES! Instead I went back for a bachelor's degree in education because I had always thought about teaching and wanting to "make a difference." My in-laws agreed to pay my tuition because they did not want their son to have an "uneducated" wife. I guess the Associates Degree was worth nothing? I got most of the way through but unfortunately our advisors told us if we wanted to be English teachers in our town at that point in time we had two choices, 1. head to the inner city (not an option for a young 20, white, blond girl) or 2. get a job at Walmart. So my husband and I spoke and I changed my major to business and would continue working for our business.

Beware any free gift! As soon as I had diploma in hand my mother-in-law immediately began harassing me about getting a job outside of our business. Apparently I sold my soul for a piece of paper. I threw the fucker away. It was bad enough knowing I earned it and could not return it. (Just last year, almost a decade after she died my husband returned it to me, bless him for dumpster diving - literally - but I still cannot stand the sight of it.) I ended up going to work for a Monster Wall Street Corporation until some family problems on my husband's side came to be and I was the only one was "dispensible" and became available. Poetic justice is not sweet, fun or kind. It is sad and it sucks.

Long story boring ending, I ended up having some very serious health issues as well but have been in remission for the past year and don't think there is any chance of any more real problems as long as I stick to the diet and health regime I am currently following so it is my time to finally get that real diploma that belongs to me, that I can proudly display, that I can share with the world by "doing something." I like to joke I am cranky and hate the world but in all honesty, I live with all of my heart and love with all of my heart and just cannot wait to give with all of my heart.

Following are the lyrics to a Lady Antebellum song called "I Was Here," this is how I want to live my life.

You will notice me
I’ll be leaving my mark
Like initials carved in an old oak tree
You wait and see

Maybe I’ll write like Twain wrote
Maybe I’ll paint like Van Gogh
Cure the common cold… I don’t know
But I’m ready to start ‘cause I know in my heart

Chorus:
I wanna do something that matters
Say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
Wanna do something better
With the time I’ve been given
I wanna try
To touch a few hearts in this life
And leave nothing less than something that says
I was here

I will prove you wrong
If you think I’m all talk
You’re in for a shock ‘cause this dreams too strong
Before too long

Maybe I’ll compose symphonies
Maybe I’ll fight for world peace
‘Cause I know it’s my destiny
to leave more than a trace of myself in this place

Whoopsy

Well, I have not managed to post daily as was my original goal in the countdown to forty but I have continued to purge my house daily - even if it is only a small drawer just to keep the momentum going. I wish I were better at sitting down at the keyboard and getting my thoughts written down as I am constantly "writing" in my head throughout the day. Maybe I should invest in a better "Talk and Type" program than I currently own and go from there. My speak to text program is the funniest ... I have sent some doozies that make my friends think I am drunk driving and texting simultaneoulsly.

This past week I really have been focusing on gratitude. I really am so thankful for my close friends and family. As this stupid milestone birthday approaches I cannot think of one single gift I could ask for other than the continued companionship and love from those I love and adore. It doesn't have to be my best friends, or 3AM friends as I like to call them - you know ... the first ones you call when a disaster hits at 3AM. You might not see them every day, week or year but you know damn well they are the ones who mean the most. I just cherish the fact I am not lonely. I have no problems being alone, in fact there are plenty of times when I like being alone, but I am not lonely.

There are many many more things for which I am grateful but that is for another day ... I hope you have a good week and I hope I manage to post again as I am at the halfway point!
I am now hoping if I manage to post fourteen times I will have managed to have done it half of the time?!?! Good grief Charlie Brown ...

Fail ... but not Epic.

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. I meant to write yesterday. I even wrote in my head yesterday. I could have probably taken the emails I exchanged with my cousin and posted them and it could have counted as writing because they were some funny stuff. In fact, if they continue tomorrow - they just might be my fodder for Friday depending on how many cocktails lunch, happy hour and my niece's graduation force into my system.

So I failed. But an epic failure? I think not. Is anyone else out there in Internetland is as irritated with me with the overuse of the word epic these days? Webster's defines epic as: a : extending beyond the usual or ordinary especially in size or scope I know I sound like a grouchy old man with his trousers pulled up over his stomach and nose hairs growing down to his top lip when I state this but epic is supposed to used for special occasions, you know - like that big damn flood when Noah built the Ark or a certain movie when Miss Scarlett said "Tomorrow is always another day."

If everything is so epic now what word are we going to use to describe something epic when it really is epic? Huh? Riddle me that one all of you epic freaks? Will the new word be marvelous, majestic, intrepid, breathtaking, colossal, stellar? Nope, nope, nope and so on? That list sounding pretty stupid? Yup. Because epic was one of the best superlatives and now it has been wasted. Wasted because some humdrum daily events have to sound better than they were. Your company softball game was epic? Doubtful. Your boss sleeping with your co-worker in the dugout while his wife and kids are sitting right above the dugout during the company softball game? Epic. You going to a bachelor party? So what? And how many other men have taken part in this ritual? You attending George "I am never getting married" Clooney's bachelor party? Fucking Epic (and you had better bring back photos if you know better. They will get you laid - married and single men!) Your kid dancing in a recital at school? Spare us. Your kid dancing the lead of a Joffrey Ballet Production - epic. Get the idea. Save epic. Please. Please put it back on the shelf and only use it for those special times when it is really needed. Because I know when I die and want my friends to use what's left of my money to have a kick ass party I am pretty sure that term is still going to be around, are you going to be able to have an epic party or will the word be dead and buried before you are?

Because I have to post

I spent somewhere between five and six hours cleaning the crap out of my master bathroom today. Six fucking Hefty bags of shit. I am exhausted. But I keep repeating ... "I am not a hoarder, I am not a hoarder, I am not a hoarder."

Do yourselves a favor right now. If you buy something and you a) do not like it or b) it does not work to your satisfaction but is not dysfunctional - THROW THE SHIT OUT IMMEDIATELY! You will never use it, it will take up space and you will get in the habit of keeping fucking everything that might be used someday. (By the way - I am still not a hoarder.)

I cannot imagine how many thousands of dollars of crap I have been throwing because I needed it or because it was on sale (stacks and stacks of expired crap.) No more of that shit for me, if I need it - I will go buy it. Period. I have heard there is a new television show called "Extreme Couponing" where people buy 400 jars of pickles, 80 jars of mayo, 68 boxes of Tide and the such but end up spending $12.45 because they clipped coupons and watched store deals. You know what? Who the fuck needs 80 jars of mayo at once besides a school, hospital or nursing home? I know a mother of 2, 4 or 6 certainly does not. But - AHA - a hoarder does! Yes, these extreme couponers are nothing more than organized hoarders. They hoard all the food, line it up all pretty on shelves (which may or may not be in home additions due to their couponing addiction) and call it saving money. Riddle me this but if you spend 60 hours a week "saving" money buying crap you don't need, when do you have time to work or have a real social life? See ... it's Hoarding 201 - Hiding in Public.

Tomorrow is a nice break from housework and purging. Well, errands during the day but the Cardinals' game tomorrow night with girlfriends. The last game we tried to attend brought a tornado that hit the airport ... lightning really can't hit twice, right?

Bad Hair Life

I have been on this massive house purge. We are talking way beyond the traditional spring cleaning. This crapbin we call a house was starting to look awfully familiar when channel surfing seeing "Hoarders" pop up on the screen. Well, one of the few fun things in the tedious chore of emptying out closet after closet and drawer after drawer in room after room is finding old photos of myself and friends from over the years.

Before I get to the gist of this post I must mention, clothing from the 1970's sucked. It should never come back into style. Period. I don't care what "THEY" say about retro being cool. The colors were not harvest gold, avocado and tangerine; they were pee yellow, puke green and burnt orange. The plaids were ugly, the fabrics never wore out but they had a good chance of melting near an open flame, bell bottoms tripped us and we looked stupid. At least we can blame our parents for dressing us like crap the first go around - if anyone buys that shit this time ... well, you deserve to look like a moron. But I digress.

As I have been looking at decades of photos I have noticed a trend about myself. I have pretty much lived a freaking bad hair life and I have the Kodak moments to prove it my friends! The first recorded moments show me bald until the age of two and when my hair decided to appear it looked like a new lawn trying to grow ... little tufts here and there all nilly willy.

The younger years show a kid with either scraggly hair always in my face or a super boyish crop due to a mother fed up with a kid screaming and crying about tangles. I would not recommend either look for a young lady. Actually, I would not recommend either look for a human being. If I could figure out my scanner I still would not be posting photos of myself in this hideous state. Yes, that freaking bad.

Then came the 1980's. Oh my. It was big. It was wide. It was gelled, moussed, hairsprayed, teased and dried within and inch of its life. It did not move. It hurt other people if the touched it. I quite possibly could have named it and claimed it on my taxes. Did I mention it was big?

With the 1990's came marriage and responsibility and "mom" hair. Need I say more? It was short, efficient and fucking ugly. Then of course came the "I need to grow my hair out one more time because I need to" look. Oh it brought back my days of youth. It looked just as crappy and it was still always in my face. Only this time I had to try to make it look nice because "grown-ups" just can't get away with that ratty playground look (other than I still refuse to give up my Chuck Taylor high top addiction!)

My current bad hair style is the chin length bob because my friends are humoring me and saying it looks good. My only saving grace in all of this over the years - a great baseball cap collection that hides most of the bad hair days and a husband that does not mind having a tomboy for a wife.

Countdown to 40

OK, I have thirty days until I turn forty. I have obviously not written anything in ages. I have written a million posts in my head but just never managed to get anything to flow from my brain to the keyboard. For the next thirty days I am going to post something each and every day, no matter how mundane, just to prove I can accomplish one last goal before this goofy milestone birthday.

I get the whole "OH" birthday thing. I really do. But honestly, for me, on the whole, this is just another day coming heading my way. Not trying to sound hokey but I really celebrate the ability just to be with loved ones everyday - not just one day a year and certainly not just one day a decade! In fact I posted this on The Twitter last month, "Sometimes a couple hours with good friends is better than the longest vacation #thankfulforthelittlegreatthings" and I promise you ... the state of my house shows how often I am lucky enough to spend time with friends!

The great house purge will continue over the next month as well. I am tired of living in a house full of crap. Hopefully the "Scary Room" will finally be my dream home office. Now THAT will be the real milestone in this girl's life!