Because I have to post

I spent somewhere between five and six hours cleaning the crap out of my master bathroom today. Six fucking Hefty bags of shit. I am exhausted. But I keep repeating ... "I am not a hoarder, I am not a hoarder, I am not a hoarder."

Do yourselves a favor right now. If you buy something and you a) do not like it or b) it does not work to your satisfaction but is not dysfunctional - THROW THE SHIT OUT IMMEDIATELY! You will never use it, it will take up space and you will get in the habit of keeping fucking everything that might be used someday. (By the way - I am still not a hoarder.)

I cannot imagine how many thousands of dollars of crap I have been throwing because I needed it or because it was on sale (stacks and stacks of expired crap.) No more of that shit for me, if I need it - I will go buy it. Period. I have heard there is a new television show called "Extreme Couponing" where people buy 400 jars of pickles, 80 jars of mayo, 68 boxes of Tide and the such but end up spending $12.45 because they clipped coupons and watched store deals. You know what? Who the fuck needs 80 jars of mayo at once besides a school, hospital or nursing home? I know a mother of 2, 4 or 6 certainly does not. But - AHA - a hoarder does! Yes, these extreme couponers are nothing more than organized hoarders. They hoard all the food, line it up all pretty on shelves (which may or may not be in home additions due to their couponing addiction) and call it saving money. Riddle me this but if you spend 60 hours a week "saving" money buying crap you don't need, when do you have time to work or have a real social life? See ... it's Hoarding 201 - Hiding in Public.

Tomorrow is a nice break from housework and purging. Well, errands during the day but the Cardinals' game tomorrow night with girlfriends. The last game we tried to attend brought a tornado that hit the airport ... lightning really can't hit twice, right?

Bad Hair Life

I have been on this massive house purge. We are talking way beyond the traditional spring cleaning. This crapbin we call a house was starting to look awfully familiar when channel surfing seeing "Hoarders" pop up on the screen. Well, one of the few fun things in the tedious chore of emptying out closet after closet and drawer after drawer in room after room is finding old photos of myself and friends from over the years.

Before I get to the gist of this post I must mention, clothing from the 1970's sucked. It should never come back into style. Period. I don't care what "THEY" say about retro being cool. The colors were not harvest gold, avocado and tangerine; they were pee yellow, puke green and burnt orange. The plaids were ugly, the fabrics never wore out but they had a good chance of melting near an open flame, bell bottoms tripped us and we looked stupid. At least we can blame our parents for dressing us like crap the first go around - if anyone buys that shit this time ... well, you deserve to look like a moron. But I digress.

As I have been looking at decades of photos I have noticed a trend about myself. I have pretty much lived a freaking bad hair life and I have the Kodak moments to prove it my friends! The first recorded moments show me bald until the age of two and when my hair decided to appear it looked like a new lawn trying to grow ... little tufts here and there all nilly willy.

The younger years show a kid with either scraggly hair always in my face or a super boyish crop due to a mother fed up with a kid screaming and crying about tangles. I would not recommend either look for a young lady. Actually, I would not recommend either look for a human being. If I could figure out my scanner I still would not be posting photos of myself in this hideous state. Yes, that freaking bad.

Then came the 1980's. Oh my. It was big. It was wide. It was gelled, moussed, hairsprayed, teased and dried within and inch of its life. It did not move. It hurt other people if the touched it. I quite possibly could have named it and claimed it on my taxes. Did I mention it was big?

With the 1990's came marriage and responsibility and "mom" hair. Need I say more? It was short, efficient and fucking ugly. Then of course came the "I need to grow my hair out one more time because I need to" look. Oh it brought back my days of youth. It looked just as crappy and it was still always in my face. Only this time I had to try to make it look nice because "grown-ups" just can't get away with that ratty playground look (other than I still refuse to give up my Chuck Taylor high top addiction!)

My current bad hair style is the chin length bob because my friends are humoring me and saying it looks good. My only saving grace in all of this over the years - a great baseball cap collection that hides most of the bad hair days and a husband that does not mind having a tomboy for a wife.

Countdown to 40

OK, I have thirty days until I turn forty. I have obviously not written anything in ages. I have written a million posts in my head but just never managed to get anything to flow from my brain to the keyboard. For the next thirty days I am going to post something each and every day, no matter how mundane, just to prove I can accomplish one last goal before this goofy milestone birthday.

I get the whole "OH" birthday thing. I really do. But honestly, for me, on the whole, this is just another day coming heading my way. Not trying to sound hokey but I really celebrate the ability just to be with loved ones everyday - not just one day a year and certainly not just one day a decade! In fact I posted this on The Twitter last month, "Sometimes a couple hours with good friends is better than the longest vacation #thankfulforthelittlegreatthings" and I promise you ... the state of my house shows how often I am lucky enough to spend time with friends!

The great house purge will continue over the next month as well. I am tired of living in a house full of crap. Hopefully the "Scary Room" will finally be my dream home office. Now THAT will be the real milestone in this girl's life!

Vacuuimng Out the Cobwebs

I have the coolest vacuum. It has a little stoplight system on it that lets me know when the carpet is still dirty and it gives me a green light when it is good to move on to a new area. Well, with Gabby the Wonderdog I have a lot of stoplights waiting for it to suck up dog hair thus a lot of time to think of random useless shit. Here is a sampling of what was floating through my brain this morning - I am hoping something might become fodder for future writing as I have been in a big funk lately. My journal looks like that of a serial killer but nothing I would put out there for the world to see.

* Holy crap my carpets are filthy!

* There is nothing like a John Hughes movie to take away any adult self-respect and make me feel like misfit teenager I was.

* How is it two siblings can come from the same parents and be so freaking different????

* If someone you love lies to you with small lies, how long before they start telling whoppers?

* Seriously, I have to empty the dirt container ALREADY!

* How bad is the acne epidemic in Hollywood that everyone seems to be using ProActive?

* I really should workout today but since this vacuuming is taking over 30 minutes, I think this will count. Plus - I am breaking a sweat.

* Bud Select, Bud Select, Bud Select ... when I finish this all I have to do is clean the kitchen, empty the dishwasher, empty the trash and I get Bud Selects at the beach! Keep working girl.

* How much shit will I get in if I tell the top 5 people on my "Go Fuck Yourself" List to "go fuck themselves?" Would it be worth it?

* The dirt cup again, REALLY?

* I really need to fix my iPods. Soon.

* Crap - laundry before the beach too.

* A trip to the grocery store would not be a bad idea. The two packs of tuna keep staring at me in the cabinet and I keep staring back. They are going to win if I don't go soon.

* I am a crappy friend. I am so bad about returning e-mails. I really hope my friends know I am thinking about them. This is one time the Thought Police would actually be good.

* I would not complain about a trip to Nordstroms one of these days :)

* I live at the beach yet I hate sand. What is wrong with me?

* Am I the only moron that has a million problems with iTunes?

* How can you get sucked into 12 hours of Lifetime movies in one day?

* Seriously, the dust cup is fucking full AGAIN? I am getting Gabby shaved ASAP!

* I know Verizon has the technology already - just introduce the damn iPhone already.

* Can I vacuum with a Bud Select and how big of a drunk will I be if I am cleaning with a beer before noon? It really is drink o'clock somewhere ...

* Dammit! That hurts when I ram the vacuum over my foot and into my baby toe. I think that means I need a Bud Select for medicinal purposes.

* How come they don't make the cords longer on vacuums? Really, they know you are going to vacuum multiple rooms - just make the damn things longer for pete's sake!

* Why do drivers from Canada suck so bad? Seriously. I even vacation in Canada once a summer and they suck in Canada. Do they even give them a driving test to get a license? Food for thought?

* I hate the Cubs.

* This dust cup thing sucks the big one. And my dog needs to go to the groomers. And I need a Bud Select.

* LAST ROOM!!!! Guest Room - used the least! Should not take long.

* Really Gabby, must you sleep in here while we are gone? The left side of the guest bed is hair central. Thanks. Thanks. A. Lot. Watching the vacuum with its red and green lights is like watching traffic on Michigan Avenue in Chicago. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. I love my dog. I love my dog. I love my dog.

* GREEN LIGHT GO!

Happy weekend all. I am headed to the beach for a nice iced tea and companionship of friends. Enjoy. Have a few cold tasty Bud Selects if you get a chance.

Why I Still Love Aiports (Or the Ultimate Viewing of True Human Behavior)

So, I get to the airport on time, park the car, get to the security line and THEN the fun starts with the asshat who is trying to take a duffel bag the size of dorm fridge through with FULL SIZE bottles of EVERYTHING. Uh yeah buddy, because those signs all over the airport , in the security line and at the checkpoint obviously did not apply to you today; thousands of others but not you. But good catch on emptying your pockets and removing your shoes MENSA boy. And I am sure you all are stunned who is cranky when a certain bag has to be run through three more times. I am pretty sure his pocket knife and brass knuckles were goners too. Just a wild guess. The guy behind me in the security line did have a great idea. To fly you have to pass a test, like the written part of a drivers test. If you pass you get a sticker on your Passport, license or ID and if not you have to keep taking the test until you are competent in what you need to know to fly. It sure would make the lines zip right along!

Anyhoo -after boarding my favorite mode of transport (a prop job) a mere 22 minutes later we were in Miami and I now had the fun anticipation of a four hour layover. This was way too much time to leave me a) alone with my thoughts b) in my fragile state of being a new (3 month) non smoker and c) on Xanax for flying fear and Soma for a bad back. Oh Shit!!! The Thought Police had a field day with me, I am sure upon trial and conviction I now have several life and death sentences. Allow me to give you some examples:

Hey foreign visitors - when you are in the freaking states, not only do you drive on our sides of the road but you walk on the corresponding sides too. Get it right. And yes - I will continue to walk right into you. You are on my side of the corridor.

Don't ask me what time it is - especially in another language or by pointing at your wrist! Your cell phone you are yakking on has a clock, look at it you fool. Oh - and I know enough basic French and Spanish to ask the time when I am in a foreign country. It is not my job to speak your language.

Ma'am those leggings do not flatter your ass or your camel toe even if they are black. Sorry.

I did notice one airline seemingly having "Tranny Flight Attendant" Day. If not these people I saw were celebrating "Let Your Three Year Old Daughter Do Your Hair and Make Up" Day. Wow! I would have taken photos off my phone had it not been so extremely obvious.

Now we all know there are only three way where I really love children. 1. When they are drugged. 2. When they are asleep (usually a residual from the drugs.) 3. When they are behind the glass in zoos. Well I now know something that makes me love wide awake sugar high kids and here is my advice for their owners -
DRUG YOUR FREAKING YAPPY ASS DOGS AND LEAVE THEM IN THEIR CARRIERS THAT COST AS MUCH AS MY CAR PAYMENT!!!
No, I don't find it cute when your hairless rat with epilepsy chews on my shoestrings nor when it barks for two hours straight. Go back out through security, take it for a walk, hell - call an exterminator for all I care but make it GO AWAY!

So, to get away from the the hairless yappy rat I decide to take a walk. Smart move as I encounter "The Lovebirds." You know the duo. The ones who obviously just came from getting married on a Wednesday morning by the Justice of the Peace. Princess Skank-a-Lot in her Daisy Dukes, platform heels and tank top on a 60 degree day (Mom must be proud) and Prince Pimp-Her-Out in his wife beater and shorts about two inches off the ground who are walking with their hands in each others' back pockets while inching along at a mere two steps a minute. How about moving along instead of blocking the entire concourse and see if you can figure out how to shoot for the Mile High Club instead? Oh wait ... that would involve figuring out when to leave for the bathroom when the plane in exactly one mile high in the air, right? Little too much math for you two. Nevermind.

And just a few more ponderings:

Small children should never be given their own luggage. Period.

There are large numbers of people who use the restroom who do not wash their hands afterward - including people in foodservice preparation. Tasty, huh?

It never hurts to be polite to ANY service employee - even if they are kind of grouchy to you at first, etc. They put up with more awful travelers every single day than we could ever imagine. Just maybe if a few of us could say "please" and "thank you" instead of "I want" and "give me" and "get me," things would go a whole lot smoother. Airport workers and airline employees tend to be ranked as some of the most unfriendly ... maybe we the customers can see how we can change this!

Most of all ... airport traveling is NOT ALL ABOUT YOU! It is about the space around you. Treat your space - sort of like the inside of your car. Keep it self contained, keep the kiddos in it, keep your stuff in it, clean it up (this is where I am quite guilty of not cleaning) and if you want to invite someone in for a ride by all means do so. If not ... sit down, keep your music quiet, stay in your space and wait for your flight.

That's my cranky layover view and I'm sticking to it.

The South Has Risen Again!

After the success of The Mafioso's of New Jersey I wasn't sure Bravo had it in them to comeback so soon with the amazing hot mess that is the second season of the Skanks of Atlanta. Wow. The true housewives of Atlanta are definitely shuddering at the Junior League over chardonnays and grilled chicken salads - dressing on the side of course. If you are ready for some catching up pour yourself a 'Co Cola as they do in the South and have yourself a read:

It seems as if there has been a lot of downsizing this season. Three smaller homes for these women. Sheree's for her ex not making mortgage payments, Nene's for according to Kim - Greg's financial problems and Kim herself (while it was not shown) has been booted from the townhouse Big Poppa had set her up in. Really Sheree, you seriously did not know your ex was missing mortgage payments? No phone calls to you? No letters in the mail? No e-mails? You claim to be such a savvy business woman but you end up with an eviction notice? One word for you. Bullshit. I know if I am half a minute late with my Discover payment they are hounding me from all directions to pay up or they are going to take my first born, you knew those payments were not getting paid and you just did not care. As for Nene and Greg, going on Kim's word is as smart as asking Jennifer Aniston for dating advice but several internet sites during the hiatus have mentioned the same thing. While the Leeks' new "shack" is smaller I also think it is much classier and less ostentatious. Good move there. I just can't wait to see the finished product after Nene and Dwight get through decorating it ... There is some design show out there with Dwight's name on it - there is a new gay boy in town! I imagine Kim's new digs will be the typical white trash setting we have come to expect. You can take the girl out of the trailer but you can't take the trailer out of the girl!

Since Sheree's financial situation has already been brought up why is the dumb bitch spend a shitload of cash on her divorce - oh excuse me - INDEPENDENCE party? First you idiot, you are not independent of your ex, that is why you were evicted from your home. YOU COULD NOT AFFORD IT!!! Second, when Nene asked if you got your "7 figure settlement," you claimed on paper only and then said you "needed the money." Again, if you NEED the money - you are not independent. Third, are there really enough people who like you that will come to a party celebrating you? Maybe if you could come in on the helicopter and say you fell out of it to a stunning death or it crashed onto you after it dropped you off people would explode into spontaneous applause and cheers for you but otherwise woman I just don't see it happening anytime soon. Plus your being carried in Cleopatra style is nothing more than a rip-off of the movie "Coming to America." Which leads me to the subject of party planner Anthony - he should know shit like this. At least that what was running through my mind during their initial meeting. He seemed kind of arrogant and glib - not two of my favorite traits. After all, he is a professional party planner and people do expect the wild and unexpected, especially in Atlanta with the extremely hot hip hop scene of the past decade or so. But after the phone call when he hung up on her I put my on spin on the situation ... with editing I figured she had to have stalked him about 300 times and he was just fed up. Just a side note here -as she was bitching to her hair stylist did anyone else notice how badly her hair was smoking every time he used the flat iron? She was like a fuming dragon. Too funny. The office smack down was reminiscent of a Dynasty battle between Krystal and Alexis, Anthony even throwing in a "your mama." I cannot wait to see how this turns out. Sheree showed her true colors here and all that glitters is truly not gold. Anthony certainly was not professional and he looks like shit on T.V. promoting his business but I have a strong suspicion he would do it all over again after dealing with the SheDevil. He could team up with Dwight if business drops off because of the incident. Interior design/party planning/WWF fighting/personal shoppers.

I love Nene but instead of bed hopping she is the consummate friend hopper and I hope Lisa gets this since Lisa is the self proclaimed "nice one." Not only did Lisa get a new neighbor but it seems a new best friend as well. I wonder how this will bode for the newly unemployed Mr. Lisa who wants to spend time with his wife getting her pregnant. Not playing nicely with Nene is a no no, don't you know? Seeing Lisa, Ed and E.J. is always cute as they are the most normal of this group and I loved when Lisa was trying on the dress and Ed was her human bra! I have a funny feeling that we are not going to see her knocked up anytime soon ... she just does not seem too hip to the idea and Ed is way too big of a kid himself. Maybe if he gets picked up by another NFL team but not until then. Back to friend hopper Nene, the big reconciliation with the SheDevil. All I can say is it's about damn time but did NeNe really need to have Sheree apologize three times and try to force her to cry? Hey dumb shit ... do you want to start the feud all over again? LET IT GO ALREADY! Speaking of reconciliations - NeNe and Kim are supposed to have a glass of wine to clear the air. Yeah - as clear as the air after Chernobyl. Nor the idea brought up at Nicey Nash's party of NeNe, Sheree and Lisa meeting with Kim together. Yes and Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton, John McCain and Barack Obama are all going to have a nice weekend of camping. You betcha.

Kim, I didn't like you last season, I still don't like you this season. In fact I despise you this season. Is it possible you seem even more worthless? So your visit to your psychic tells you of a possible child, a possible business venture, you are adrift from friends, your kids should be your priority and your married lover still wants you. Your reaction was you need to take your birth control pills and antidepressants, avoid Nene and Sheree, hug the girls and giggle about Big Poppa. You stupid stupid stupid skank. Anyone who watches the show could tell you the exact same thing. Except being the wonderful psychic I am, combine the kid with Big Poppa and that is your business venture ... child support! See how smart I am. You fucking moron. But nope, your big idea is to get into wigs for white women. Let me give you a tip - WHITE WOMEN DO NOT WEAR WIGS UNLESS THEY GO BALD! It is not part of our culture you dolt. Just because you think you are African-American, the majority of white women do not they are. And your line about not needing to know how to do any work because you will hire someone to do it just irked me to my inner core. If I ever see you in person, I will slap you silly. Count on it.

I am digging this Kandi chick so far. She seems like she has a lot that she can bring to the show and seems to have a good head on her shoulders. I liked the line about not buying diamonds but property instead. I just have a feeling she is going to be the one that calls "bullshit" when she sees it EXCEPT when it comes to her kid. Her being friends with Lisa is also going to show us a fun side of Lisa we've never seen. Hearing Lisa say she didn't want to be the sad boring vagina was priceless. I had never really realized before this episode but Lisa was really a "fringe" housewife not being a close friend to any of the others. I absolutely cannot wait until Kandi calls out Kim on the whole Dallas Austin record deal! It will make my day...

Until next week my friends, I will be working on my ODE TO A SHEDEVIL ... what will you be doing?

p.s. a great website to check out for latest news on all of the skanks is: www.realfauxhousewives.com

It's Been a While

Hum ... it goes without saying I have been more useless than ever since I have not posted since the end of April. Well, useless housewives tend to do even less when summer hits high gear. What with nice sunny days to hit the golf course, pools, outdoor restaurant for day drinking with friends and big decks or lanais to read trashy novels and gossip rags what is a gal to do? Duh - all of the above. And really, what am I supposed to write about? My busy weekly schedule? Let's see:
Monday: Went to friend's pool. Got drunk. Got burnt. Forgot to cook dinner.
Tuesday: Played golf. Had lunch with girls. Got drunk. Took a nap. Didn't feel like cooking dinner.
Wednesday: Ran errands. Actually bought food. Read on deck or lanai. Nothing on TV so husband wants to go out for dinner. Imagine this - got drunk.
Thursday: Hungover from night before. Bummed around house all day and played on computer. stomach rolls at the thought of cooking dinner. Did rest liver though.
Friday: Weekly lunch with girls at the pool. Cocktails. Never cook on Fridays - it's the weekend.
Saturday: Pool day. Got drunk. Got burnt. Ordered carry out.
Sunday: Cooked the dog eggs for breakfast. Watched news programs. Played golf with friends. Had dinner with friends. Cocktails involved.
Repeat Weekly

Now at any given time my Rheumatoid Arthritis may flare up which renders the above schedule null and void. Then I am 100% beyond my usual useless status and at that point I just sit in a chair and watch mindless television hopped up on pain pills wishing I could be back to my regular useless self. Of course this is when I come up with some great blog topics that I never seem to remember to write down for future reference.

This is just a short one for today, I actually have a few topics coming. My 20 year high school reunion, my pet peeves in life, my new idea for a reality show and maybe a political zinger. I have to get going for now - the cocktails are calling.